It’s hard to believe that 4 years ago today our Joanne crossed over into eternal life. It’s always a sad day but reflective and filled with gratitude. I’m thankful for all the time we had together and for a love that people say is rare. I know that to be true. It wasn’t perfect, but it was awesome. I’m also thankful for the relationships I have with my kids now. We’ve grown, stretched, almost murdered each other, but in the end we are a closer family now. And you can’t top that.
I was talking yesterday with one of my close Catholic brothers and we were sharing some thoughts on our struggles of now and in the past. We are both looking for work and I told him that I seemed to coast effortlessly through my wife’s death compared to the financial difficulties I’m facing. It seems that the most difficult times for me emotionally involve lack of money and related worries. He said to me something I’ve known but to hear it was profound. He said, “Rich, the only reason you were able to do it all was because God was carrying your sorry _ss through the whole thing. You wouldn’t have been able to do it otherwise. He knew that your situation was unbearable and he carried you through it.” He was right. I might have used some different words (LOL!) but in reality he was right on.
When people ask how I do it all, I usually respond by pointing upwards and saying “It’s all him.” One of the scripture verses I try to remember daily is Isaiah 40:31: “They that hope in the Lord will renew their strength, they will soar as with eagles’ wings; they will run and not grow weary, walk and not grow faint.” And that’s truly how it all gets done. I hope in the Lord because I know that his purpose for us is greater than I can understand or imagine. Through that hope he sends people into my life to help take care of the kids. He sends people I can talk to. He sends his Spirit to strengthen me. He gives me everything and without him I am nothing.
So it’s not that my grief was easy, it was that God carried me, just like the Footprints poem says. I know too, that with all things, including the financial piece, he will do his part as always. He will never leave us or forsake us. But he also gives us the free will to accept his grace or reject it.
Finally, I wanted to share lyrics of a song with you that I read last night that opened the floodgates for me. I hope it touches you as much as it has me. This came from a book I’m reading called Living Catholic Faith. It’s part of the Chicken Soup for the Soul series.
If I Could Just Phone Home
I see your tears that fall down like rain.
And I know how hard it is to carry on,
But If I could do one thing to help you to get through,
I would ask the Lord for one more chance to talk again with you.
If I could just phone home,
I would tell you that today I soared with Eagles!
And the peace that I’m feeling just cannot be explained;
And the love that fills my joyful soul just cannot be contained!
If I could just phone home,
You could hear it in my voice that I’m so happy.
Now I can sit within God’s presence; rest in His secure embrace.
I can laugh and talk with Jesus while his light surrounds my face.
If I could just phone home…
Now I know that it’s easy for me to be brave,
Because it’s you that’s left behind so very broken.
But I promise you one thing, there’s so much more than you know.
So try your very best to trust in God and let your grief go.
If I could just phone home,
I would tell you not to worry, please don’t cry,
Because God’s love can move mountains and take away your pain.
And what looked to you like loss and death has really all been gain.
And though I can’t phone home,
When you need me I will meet you in your heart.
Talk to me like you used to and though you might not hear a word
You can find me in the starry night and in the sweet song of a bird.
Until we meet again, know I love you and forever always will.
Death can’t separate our love,
Our hearts will always be as one.
Our love’s not finished now, but only just begun.
My life has just begun!
Elizabeth J. Schmeidler © 2004
www.elizabethshop.org