Coaching and Inspiration

Fall is such a busy time in our house. With school starting and just getting back in the swing of things it takes me a while to adjust. Plus I started back with my spiritual direction classes and this year is a heavy schedule. We’re doing a 34 week study of the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius and reading 5 new books and studying  applicable Bible verses. Plus all the kids activities. When I looked at my notes to see when the last time I blogged I couldn’t believe it’s been over two months! I did take a little hiatus from this blog to write four articles for the Knights of Columbus initiative, Fathers For Good.

All this study has got me thinking a lot. One of the things I think about a lot is my career choice. For over 23 years I’ve been in some form of financial services – mortgages, insurance, and banking. With the economy the way it is these fields are very tight right now. The mortgage business, which I’ve spent most of my time in, literally fell apart around me. And there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight.

Five years ago I became a Certified Life Coach and now with the addition of Spiritual Direction I’ve become much more well rounded. That being said, I still have bills to pay and a very large family to feed.

I’ve recently been struggling with all this. One part of me wants to just live for God, to abandon everything and give myself totally to God. To Finally give myself to the deaconate or the priesthood. To become a brother or a monk. Or to live in a cave and contemplate the scriptures for the rest of my life.

The other part of me – mainly my ego – wants to achieve and get to the top again. I tell myself that I can get that BMW! I can be a top coach in the motivation and self-improvement field! I can be the best spiritual director in the diocese! People all over the world will seek me out! I am “America’s Favorite Single Dad!”

Where am I supposed to focus? How do I move forward from times like these? Why do I still feel like I’m in control? Why am I always trying to push the rope and swim upstream? These are good questions but unfortunately, not good enough.

Where does God want me to focus? Is moving forward really important? Why don’t I turn the control over to the One really in charge? Why can’t I let go of the rope, stop swimming and just get in the boat? And, most importantly, why am I running away from God instead of running towards him?

Those are the important questions. As I ponder them, I wrestle with doubt. And doubt is really a lack of faith. After all I’ve been through I still doubt my faith. But God always has an answer and he showed me one recent morning.

As part of the spiritual exercises I had just finished studying the story in Luke chapter 12 where Jesus is telling his followers who they should fear. He says to them, “I shall show you whom to fear. Be afraid of the one who after killing has the power to cast you into Gehenna; yes, I tell you, be afraid of that one. Are not five sparrows sold for two small coins? Yet not one of them has escaped the notice of God. Even the hairs of your head have all been counted. Do not be afraid. You are worth more than many sparrows.”

Later that same morning I was reading the Mass readings for the day and that was the Mass reading! I was floored. But the most amazing thing happened as I pulled into my work parking lot. I put the car in park and a little brown bird flew onto my passenger door mirror and just stood and stared at me. It was one of those little “parking lot birds”. I leaned closer and it cocked its head to the right and looked directly at me. We locked eyes and after several seconds it flew away and I thought, “Oh how cute!” It wasn’t until later that I thought about it again and decided to look online to see what kind of bird it was. I was blown away to find out that my little friend was a sparrow.

I was once again given the message and subsequent lesson that God is real and he is with us. Even the hairs of our heads are all counted. No matter who I am or what I’ve done, God loves me and wants to have a relationship with me.

Thank you Lord for once again showing me and please Lord, help me to finally understand this.

Someone recently asked me what I would say to a newly grieved person and here is my short answer:

Don’t expect any standards. Your grief will come when and where it wants even after you think you’re through with it. The only thing you can do is face it head on and allow yourself to go through it no matter how hard it is or how long it takes. Then, and only then, is when peace will come.

Received this quote today and thought it was worth sharing. It’s a very powerful truth about grief.

“Do not expect that your grief will finally be ‘done’. Grief is more like a chronic illness, one in which healing and flare ups will continue through time. Your task is to learn to live with your loss. In this, there will be some choice. Through the years, you will consciously or unconsciously choose whether grief shuts you down or opens you up. Be patient, for there is time to find your way.” ~Transcending Loss

I found this poem recently from an unknown author in a book from a Retreat House that some friends form church frequent. When I first read it it brought tears to my eyes because it’s perspective on death is amazing. Sometimes, a different perspective is all we need when we’re struggling.

Please share this with anyone you know who has experienced the death of someone close. I think it will do wonders for them.

At The Time of Death

I am standing upon the seashore.
A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the
morning breeze and starts for the ocean.
She is an object of beauty and strength.
And I stand and watch her,
until at length she is only a ribbon
of white cloud just where
the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.
Then someone at my side says,
“There! She’s gone!
Gone where? Gone from my sight- that is all.
She is just as large in mast and hull
and spar as she was when she left my side,
and just as able to bear her load of living freight
to the place of her destination.
Her diminished size is in me, not in her.
And just at that moment
when some at my side says,
“there! She’s gone!”,
There are other voices ready
to take up the glad shout,
“There! She comes!”
And that is death, and that is Life.
Author Unknown

I’ve been getting these great daily emails that a friend turned me on to. They’re from a group called http://www.griefshare.org/. I wanted to repost one of the emails here and if you like it go to the site and sign up for it!

Men in Grief

As you go through life, you fight stereotypes and popular misconceptions. Several notions exist about how “real men” should act in different situations.

Take a moment to identify your own ideas about how men should “handle” grief. When did you form this opinion? Who modeled this behavior for you? Who might be looking to you as a role model?

Here are some comments from men who have experienced grief:

“In our culture especially,” says Rev. Noel Castellanos, “the whole macho thing is very prevalent. I think men are afraid to express their feelings. We haven’t had too many people show us how to do that. I remember being very moved when I first became a believer as I saw strong Christian men who had the ability to cry and share their weakness and hurt.”

Virgil, whose wife died, observes, “Men, as little kids, are told not to cry and it carries through. To solve this problem, fathers should let their little boys cry. It doesn’t hurt a thing. It’s an emotion God gives us.”

“Christ was a man’s man,” says Jim Grassi. “Eight of the twelve disciples were fishermen. At times, the disciples wept and they felt grief. They had all the normal emotions that God intended people to have.”

David, a warrior and king, pours out his emotions to God throughout the Psalms: “I am bowed down and brought very low; all day long I go about mourning. . . . I am feeble and utterly crushed; I groan in anguish of heart. . . . For I am about to fall, and my pain is ever with me” (Psalm 38:6, 8, 17).

Almighty God, let my prayer be like David’s prayers. Teach me what manhood really is. Open my heart and mind to want this change. Amen.

I hope you enjoyed that! Take care and God Bless!

This week would have been mine and Joanne’s 21st wedding anniversary. Its one of those times that could be good or bad depending on how it goes. Thankfully we are also celebrating my son Matthew’s 17th birthday so there’s some happiness mixed in as well. It should be a good week but we’ll have to see.
I often find these times to be very introspective. That’s one thing that grief does very well – it makes you think. And thank God it does. These last several years I have thought about a lot of things. One constant that keeps coming back is that I’m well taken care of. No matter what situation I find myself in, there’s always a way out. I could argue that its because I have a great attitude, which I do, but it’s more than that. It’s because I have faith. Faith that things will work out and that everything is going to be ok.
It seems to me that challenges have a little extra side to them that’s very hard to see. But they can be seen with much thought and prayer. That’s the only way to get value out of our struggles.
Jesus, although God and man, knew this well. The night before he died he knew what he was facing. He also knew the greater good that was going to come as a result.
We can learn much from him and many of the saints. We learn that to be Christian means to experience poverty of yourself and being poor to what you yourself want. With that outlook every struggle and challenge you face will always have greater meaning and depth and even a positive side. Even St. John the Baptist whose feast day we celebrate this week is a great example of someone whose mission meant so much more than he or anyone could see. Realizing that whatever position you find yourself in life most definitely has a greater good attached to it. The only way to see that in your life is through much prayer and thought.
So my challenge to you today is to pray on these things and that through the Grace of God you will see a glimpse or more of your part in His wonderful plan.
And that’s what true faith is all about.

For those of you who are new to this blog, my name is Rich Vosler and I’m a single dad raising my 9 children. My bride Joanne, who was my life partner for 19 years, lost her 9 month battle with cancer in August 2005. My head is still somewhat spinning. But I’ve managed to figure out how to hold it all together.

If you look around the site you’ll see that I’ve written on a wide range of topics. I’ve been blogging and coaching for several years but never really found my niche – the area where I’m most comfortable. Until recently that is. After much discernment I asked myself the question, “How can I give back? How can I make a difference and have some influence in my lifetime.” While not surprising to others, I definitely surprised myself. The answer that came was to blog and speak about the things I’ve learned on this incredible grief journey and to share some of the inspiration I’ve been blessed with.

Anyone who reads or subscribes to this blog going forward will get some great tips and inspiration. But the target is going to be men who have lost their wives and now have to raise their children without her. That’s what I’ve been doing for almost 6 years and that’s what I will write mostly about because that is what I know best. I do some other blogging and if you want a taste of my writing style you can visit me at Catholic Digest where I am a featured blogger. You can also purchase my book “The Vosler’s Nest: 45 Short Stories of Faith, Hope and Encouragement” from this site or on Amazon to get a taste of the way my life has unfolded. Now to the task at hand…

I’d like to give an overview of some things you can do immediately after your wife’s death. These will give you some guidance as to which direction you should go. These are by no means the final word or the only things you can do. In fact, for those of you in similar situations, I’d love to hear your feedback on some things that you have done. You can do that by commenting on this post or contacting me privately through this site. So here is a good list to get you started:

1. Give yourself some time. Realize that you can’t just start life normal again after the funeral and after everyone else goes home. You’re going to need to take some time for yourself and the kids. I cried every day for the first year and almost every day the second year. The kids, depending on their ages, will grieve very differently than you. My kids all grieved differently. From not dealing with it at all, to acting it out aggressively, to crying intensely for short periods of time then being fine for several weeks or months. Just give yourself some time because It’s going to take a long time to recover from this. And its not like you have something more important to do. If you think you do then you’re kidding yourself.

2. Keep the family together. This is vitally, vitally important. Although kids are very resilient, they will definitely need some stability after this life event. Make a decision as soon as possible that you will keep everyone together. Spend time together, eat dinner together. Make it so they have that stability to cling to. They’re going to need it and so are you. That leads me to the next point…

3. Figure out where you stand in your faith. Now I know from experience that you may not want anything to do with your faith right now. You may be asking, “Why would a loving God do this to us?” Go ahead and ask that question as much as you want but don’t expect a logical answer. I remember driving home one night from work and almost driving off the road because I was screaming at God and cursing him for taking Joanne away. Down the street from my house I pulled over and wept bitterly almost to the point of exhaustion. Later that night I was on my knees again looking for strength. This will be an emotional roller coaster. Once you figure out where you are in your faith, then begin to pass that on to your kids. Your faith, which should grow stronger, will carry you through. Commit to going church together, and having prayer time together.

4. Learn to accept help from others. This was very hard for me. I thought I had to be the super dad and do it all myself. Friends taught me that that wasn’t the case. I nearly went over the edge trying to do it all myself and trying to be the hero. A hero doesn’t become a hero by trying to prove himself (which is what I was trying to do), a hero becomes a hero by being there for the ones he loves. When I learned how to do that, it was so worth it. And by giving people an opportunity to help, I helped them satisfy their need to give and I helped myself by delegating some of my responsibilities. Now I seek and welcome help from others.

5. Celebrate your traditions as a family and keep the traditions alive as though your bride is still with you because spiritually she is. I’m talking about holidays, cooking big breakfasts and having hot chocolate by the fire in the winter. Whatever was special to your kids and your wife before, continue to keep it special. That will give them comfort and always give them a link back to the memories of their mom.

6. Take a leave of absence from work, if possible. If you can do this it would do you a world of good. You basically have to figure out how to run the house, keep your job, stay on top of all the kids school and activities. You’ll need some time off to figure this out.

7. Figure out your day care needs. I was able to find an awesome nanny very quickly. This is vital if you want to be able to have some time to yourself or to go back to work.

8. Don’t get a job working from home or go into business for yourself and work from home at least for 5 years. Really, don’t do it. Trust me. I tried it. There’s too much to do and you’re still grieving. You’ll neglect important pieces of your job or business that could cause long term serious damage to your financial health.

9. If you have insurance money coming, find a good experienced investment counselor or financial adviser and listen to them.

10. Be there for your children. They are your most important priority. They need you as much as you need them. I’m so glad I had 9 children to take care of. That helped me get through everything because they helped me as much as I helped them. And don’t date too quickly. Listen to your kids feelings about that and use that as a guide.

I hope that these ideas have given you some good guidance. Feel free to forward this on, link to it or comment and ask questions. I promise to get back to you quickly.

I believe in you and I know you can do this…because I’m doing it. God Bless.

This most holy week in our faith always has emotional consequences for me. Meditating on the Passion and Death of our Lord is such a beautiful experience, rich in it’s insights and surprises. Recently while driving to work my eyes began to fill up with tears. It was a part of my drive where I go through a beautiful forest. I was listening to a Christian music station on satellite radio and I had a beautiful prayer time that morning. I really was in a great place.

Usually when this happens I feel like it might be the holiday coming up and the fact that it’s at these times that I miss Joanne the most. We’ll be spending a lot of time as a family this weekend and I just get sentimental and memories flood back of all the great holidays we had when she was alive.

But something was different this time. I really wasn’t sure why I was crying. I was kind of annoyed that I still get so emotional about something that happened so long ago. As I thought about how annoyed I was, I starting laughing about how silly it all was. I began to realize that these were happy tears. Happy because I was grateful for the memories I had. Happy that I was beginning to, for lack of better words, realize how much Jesus sacrificed for us as he hung on the cross and how really great God is.

I think the reason gratitude has recently taken a front seat in my life has something to do with how my prayer life has changed. Over the last several months I’ve been practicing a certain kind of prayer called centering prayer. It’s part of a course I’m taking on spiritual direction. In it’s most basic terms it’s sitting with God and learning how to just “be” with him. That’s the best I can describe. Call it giving some of your time to God to just be with him. Or tithing the first part of your day to the Lord. No agenda, no prescribed prayers, no special words to say, no requests. Just sitting with God like Mary sat with Jesus as Martha ran around the kitchen preparing the table and meal. Remember what Jesus told Martha when she complained? “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and worried about many things. There is need of only one thing. Mary has chosen the better part and it will not be taken from her.” (Luke 10:41-42)

When I first started the practice, I couldn’t do it. It was such a waste of time. I’m too busy to sit around and do nothing for 20 minutes every morning. I told my spiritual director that it wasn’t working for me. I have lists of things to do. I need to be moving and getting things done. She told me to try it for 5 minutes and then maybe for Lent do it for 10 minutes a day. Now I’m up to 20 minutes a day and it’s changing me. I can’t describe it in words except to say that my awareness is increasing about the gifts we are given on a daily basis. I’m more peaceful and grateful. There’s so much changing inside me but I’m at a loss for words to describe it. I feel like some things I didn’t understand I’m understanding. I’m being allowed to perceive things I haven’t perceived before. I’ve learned that there is no wasting when you’re with God.

So when I was crying on my way to work that morning I was crying because I was filled with gratitude. I was grateful that I have so many struggles in my life and that through my pain and suffering I can be drawn closer to God than ever before. Just like Jesus; he had to go through many struggles to get back to the father: “And I have not rebelled, have not turned back. I gave my back to those who beat me, my cheeks to those who plucked my beard; My face I did not shield from buffets and spitting.” (Isaiah 50:5-6). He sacrificed and persevered and changed the world as a result. I don’t have much that’s worthy to sacrifice but I can certainly persevere and do my best to follow in his footsteps. And that’s what this holy week is all about.

Ave Maria: The Medjugorje Song

I’ve been on an intense spiritual journey for almost 6 months now. I’ve been praying for guidance and direction. I’ve been saying prayers in the morning, mid day and at evening. It has been a beautiful time in my life. It seems that in hard times I feel the presence of God stronger than when things are going well. Truly dedicating this time to Him has strengthened me more than I could have hoped for.

One of the prayers I’ve been focusing on as of late has been the Rosary. I started with a nine day Novena and continued on from there. I really have no idea how many days I went. But the spiritual and material blessings have been profound. I also have a long fascination with Medjugorje. This small town in what used to be Yugoslavia has drawn millions upon millions of people because, reportedly, the Blessed Virgin Mary has been appearing to 6 children there for 28 years, since June of 1981.

In early 2005 I was privileged to meet one of those children, Ivan Dragicevic, who is now my age, 44. My family and I got invited to a special Mass where Ivan was speaking. We started the service by praying the Rosary, then we celebrated Mass and right after Mass, on the altar in front of us all, Ivan had his daily apparition with the Blessed Mother.  It was very beautiful and moving. After Mass, we went up to meet him and I told him about My wife Joanne, who was sick with cancer at the time and that we had 9 children and her situation didn’t look good. He said that he would recommend Joanne to the Blessed Mother during his next apparition. And I believe he did.

The video above was a song my Choir Director asked me to perform. The way it all came about was amazing. She didn’t know what to do with the song and was going to have our Cantors sing it but changed her mind at the last minute and put it aside, but didn’t really know why. Meanwhile, a friend of mine from the choir asked her if I could perform a song for the concert (why he did that I’ll never know!). All this was happening without me knowing it. She gave me the Medjugorje song a week later.

I was floored because of my fascination with Medjugorje and because I had been praying to the Blessed Virgin Mary so that I could know her more fully. Mary allowed me to honor Her by performing this song which was given to me through my director! WOW! It was a direct message from Mary that she was hearing my prayers. God truly does work behind the scenes. When you think all is lost and there is no hope He’s on the move! We just need the faith to realize it.

I hope you enjoy the song as much as I enjoyed performing it. God Bless!